Could it be that she knows me?

I saw this on fellow iam: Chelseatxx's page. I love it, dearly.

Let's Talk

Let's talk about those times when it's snowing and you look out the window and everything looks so beautiful. Even if you live in the most shitty or worst looking area in the whole tri-state. Everything looks so beautiful and peaceful out there in the world as you stand behind a closed window. Let's talk about how it almost feels as if everything outside is an ever flowing sheet that could take you away. It's thick and the snow is coming down in huge flakes, the ones that plop down very firm. They're the ones that seem tangible, the ones that look as if they can feel you. They preach the idea that all your problems could melt away just like them when they hit the pavement that's warmer than their unique edges. Everything could be whisked away with their chilly gusts, and you'd be comforted by their thick refreshing sheets. Those awful sheets, so heavy. They know how it's cold, and what it's like to be thrown and pushed around. To be built in to something you're not and to be broken down. They know how it is to be in a cold world and to hit the floor. As I stare out of my window, I'm in a trance. I feel as if I jump the wind will carry me. To somewhere, anywhere. I'll jump and I'll use the snowflakes as stepping stones to help me get higher and higher. I'll swim through them and hold them in my fingers. They'll comfort me and cover me, keep me safe and carefree; This illusion lasts for about 15 minutes as I daze out even further. This trance is shattered when as soon as I imagine myself jumping out of the window, I only come to realize that you in fact cannot swim in snowflakes, nor can you use them as stepping stones. Everything suddenly comes in to focus as I'm falling to my demise. And just like that; I'm gone, I imagine I look cataleptic. Thrown and left to melt. It's evanescence. The only conclusion I can come to for me having these movie like dazes is that I'm severely jaded.

Nothing Makes Me Feel More.

Just Thoughts

I've recently become obsessed with flowers, plants or rather anything in the Plantae kingdom. I'm also infatuated with the thought of having skinny legs. I'm not sure why, or when this arose but I can't help staring at everyone's legs wherever I go. It's sort of like a catalog when I think about it. I bore too easily and it has been becoming quite the issue. Life is boring..living. Nothing fills me with excitement anymore. Most of my days are anxiety ridden, but when I manage to break away and forget about it for a minute I go through these "THIS IS MY LIFE" trances. They're more strange than anything else. Only because when I was a young girl I imagined my life being something different. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling and tell myself over and over that this is my life. The green walls, the 2 dogs, the job and the endless cleaning. This is what my life is. I guess I just thought that when you grow old you just magically find your place in life, and you're happy. The love of your life just slithers out from a rock and sweeps you off of your feet. I wish someone would've slapped me upside the head a little sooner because I feel at a loss now. Not that I hate the way my life is going, I just hate that I didn't know about this sooner. I'm sure I sound quite naive. Ha, I know I sound naive. I guess we all do when we don't want to realize certain things like growing up. All I keep thinking is I want I want I want. Not even noticing that in order to get to where I want to be I have to work hard and think hard. I find it funny though how I pictured my life and never bothered picturing what I have to do in between.

Loser for Life

It seems like I can never win..with anything. I've had a string of terrible luck and It sort of makes me want to give up :/ I also realized that no matter what I do in life, my father will always think the same of me. It's quite upsetting..but most of the time I can snap myself back in to reality and tell myself that his views or opinions mean nothing to me. Not now and they probably never will. He's just not logical or rational. The best and most he could ever do for me is give me money, because its cheap and meaningless. No strings attached. I'm sure my brain has been altered by this and it's probably one of the reasons I feel like I lack certain emotion. But right now, I'm unable to process many things. So this blog will be short.

GOODNESS.

Some people are just always so happy and I'm envious. I'm so jealous I almost want to punch this screen. Wait, no..that sounds crazy and stupid. Anyway how is it possible to be happy all the time? What's keeping them from walking mindlessly in to the nearest intersection mid-day and just standing there..waiting to be hit. I don't understand. It makes me question whether or not what I'm complaining about is really worth complaining about. It makes me feel like everything I have going on is stupid, but then I think to myself that whatever I feel is valid and necessary so I guess I'm going nowhere with this point that's not really a point at all because I didn't prove anything. Whatever.

I'd Like To Temporarily Disable My Brain, If That's Possible At All

I'm overhwelmed, in such an extreme amount that it hurts. And its making me uncomfortable. As I'm breathing now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't exactly know when this feeling arose but all I know is that I woke up in some sort of funk last week and haven't been able to shake it ever since. I'm plauged with this anxiousness that cant be described, you'd only understand what I was talking about if you'd actually felt it yourself at some point in your life. My brain seems to be running on different clocks, processing many things at once and trying to store them deep in cavities. I've had the strong urge to cry but my body isnt syncing with my brain and nothing comes out. Something neurologically isn't connecting. I feel odd, out of place lately. Sort of like one of those self realizations where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "is this really me?" and you touch your face and pull at your skin and look directly in to your own eyes just to see if you notice any sign of life at all. You say your name out loud and it sounds foreign, "is that my name?" And you say a couple other names to see if they fit but they dont quite, so you assume the name you thought initially must be it. I live in a fantasy world. Yeah, I work for a living and pay many bills, but for some reason that doesn't keep me grounded with reality. It makes me drift in to deep thought and loom in to dazes that make living a little more bearable I suppose. I'm missing something. I haven't figured out what yet but I know eventually it will surface. Who knows when, but I'm sure it will. Would you think I was crazy if I told you in the morning I wake up and feel completely empty? Usually I'm awoken by small muffles and grunts from furry shadows whom I can just barely make out in the dark because their bladders can't hold it in any longer. I lay there for a few more moments listening to their discomfort, staring wide eyed in to the vast darkness of my room at 6am. I don't feel a thing at all. I just know it would be the right thing to do to take them out. So I do. And I return and I feed them, and I just stare, silently. Stuck in this life long daze. I don't really know what to do about this. Things feel dull, meaningless, boring, etc. I'm not sure why they have these insert buttons for photos and smileys.. they're useless. I never thought expressing an emotion could only be summed up in one yellow sphere with a face. If there was however a sigh insert, I would use it heavily.

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I found a bunch of old emails that stirred up dormant memories and havoc like nostalgia. It's so crazy how the human brain works..the ability to connect the senses. When I read those emails it brought me back to that time and place and I watched myself sitting there, the smells and the way the air felt. How everything was calm in the world and I was the only thing panicked. It was a different era compared to what my life is now.

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I chopped all of my hair off. It was making me sick and I couldn't stand it. I feel better now. I actually really like it. I havent had it this short in a few years so it's really relieving. I needed a change anyways.