I'm overhwelmed, in such an extreme amount that it hurts. And its making me uncomfortable. As I'm breathing now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't exactly know when this feeling arose but all I know is that I woke up in some sort of funk last week and haven't been able to shake it ever since. I'm plauged with this anxiousness that cant be described, you'd only understand what I was talking about if you'd actually felt it yourself at some point in your life. My brain seems to be running on different clocks, processing many things at once and trying to store them deep in cavities. I've had the strong urge to cry but my body isnt syncing with my brain and nothing comes out. Something neurologically isn't connecting. I feel odd, out of place lately. Sort of like one of those self realizations where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "is this really me?" and you touch your face and pull at your skin and look directly in to your own eyes just to see if you notice any sign of life at all. You say your name out loud and it sounds foreign, "is that my name?" And you say a couple other names to see if they fit but they dont quite, so you assume the name you thought initially must be it. I live in a fantasy world. Yeah, I work for a living and pay many bills, but for some reason that doesn't keep me grounded with reality. It makes me drift in to deep thought and loom in to dazes that make living a little more bearable I suppose. I'm missing something. I haven't figured out what yet but I know eventually it will surface. Who knows when, but I'm sure it will. Would you think I was crazy if I told you in the morning I wake up and feel completely empty? Usually I'm awoken by small muffles and grunts from furry shadows whom I can just barely make out in the dark because their bladders can't hold it in any longer. I lay there for a few more moments listening to their discomfort, staring wide eyed in to the vast darkness of my room at 6am. I don't feel a thing at all. I just know it would be the right thing to do to take them out. So I do. And I return and I feed them, and I just stare, silently. Stuck in this life long daze. I don't really know what to do about this. Things feel dull, meaningless, boring, etc. I'm not sure why they have these insert buttons for photos and smileys.. they're useless. I never thought expressing an emotion could only be summed up in one yellow sphere with a face. If there was however a sigh insert, I would use it heavily. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found a bunch of old emails that stirred up dormant memories and havoc like nostalgia. It's so crazy how the human brain works..the ability to connect the senses. When I read those emails it brought me back to that time and place and I watched myself sitting there, the smells and the way the air felt. How everything was calm in the world and I was the only thing panicked. It was a different era compared to what my life is now.
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I chopped all of my hair off. It was making me sick and I couldn't stand it. I feel better now. I actually really like it. I havent had it this short in a few years so it's really relieving. I needed a change anyways.
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